Fighting

I’m fighting Lord

I don’t know what to feel

Emotions flow

My heart wrought with steel

I’m fighting Lord

The hurt is just too deep

And shallowness

The depths that I could weep

I’m fighting Lord

Every life is wrong

Filling with emptiness

And dissonant throng

I’m fighting Lord

Every moment more

Would only seem to push

Me out of heaven’s door

I’m fighting Lord

Assurance had I sought

And yet a doubt remains

Doubting what I thought

I’m fighting Lord

An air of love above

Without a greed

And selfishness of worth

I’m fighting Lord

My flesh would surely fail

Until I know you more

And on seas of sorrow sail

I’m fighting Lord

Trials to train the heart

With broken pieces

I question where to start

I’m fighting Lord

What else should I declare

That pain and burden hovers

Above this guilty air

I’m fighting Lord

And wondering where to go

Which path to take

Who else to follow

I’m fighting Lord

Knowing it is near

And yet everyday

The battle’s here

I’m fighting Lord

Ominous clouds hang low

And wondering if

This is everything I know

I’m fighting Lord

Wishing for perfection

Only to see me shatter

My very own reflection

I’m fighting Lord

This battle cry heard far

And walls will still be built

Struggling for that par

I’m fighting Lord

This praise of song be heard

That what I know I may never

Selfishly invert

I’m fighting Lord

The world does not stop

And no sun stands still

Upon my mountain top

I’m fighting Lord

So keep me fighting now

When I feel at a lost

Please tell me how

I’m fighting Lord

Keep my head low

But lift my eyes to see

The seeds you would have me sow

I’m fighting Lord

To not want to lift my crown

And make myself a queen

Bringing others down

I’m fighting Lord

To wash the feet of all

Those that make me cower

And those that make me fall

I’m fighting Lord

Fear that buries high

And taking flight instead

Into the depths of the sky

I’m fighting Lord

What else could I say

But help me Lord

Help me to pray

I’m fighting Lord

And now you’ve let me see

It’s only by your grace

That I hang on desperately

ella

You said you would never give up on me

You promised me the world. You promised me love. You promised me your all.

I fought for you, not someone else. My love for you is greater.

After everything, you put me at the side as though nothing happened.

Yet I still fought for you.

You looked away. You lied. You left.

Harsh and heartless, you killed Carmine.

You left me with memories too painful to bear, yet love still speaks of your name.

The first time I spent New Year’s Eve alone

Ever since I was a young, I have always spent the NYE countdown at a friend’s place with a bunch of people I am really familiar with.

NYE was always so filled with chatter and I would always play card or board games with friends. I can’t remember any NYE without a countdown and without people i love around me.

It was only until yesterday that I spent NYE alone. I was away from my family and friends and in a two-storey house in a foreign land. i slept before I could even countdown to the new year ahead.

And then it hit me, counting down really isn’t that important. Having been alone with no human to talk to for the past few days has made me enjoy the solitude I have always yearned for. There’s a beauty about spending time alone to reflect on things, to liberate oneself and just sing out loud and prance around the house.

Many people make resolutions at the strike of 12 of the new year, and most admit to discarding the ambitious resolutions three days later.

However, I remember my young fourteen-year-old self sticking to about 5 resolutions in that year. And it really did me good.

I have a few simple things I want to adhere to not just this new year as I embrace my adulthood (finally), but also for the years to come:

1) To love people more.
I realise I love myself so much more than I love others. I give myself the best and always want to claim personal space and time, but I know I should spend more time helping others, listening to their problems and just being there for them. I admit I am sometimes half-hearted about listening to others’ problems so this year, I want to be more genuine. And this comes from purely loving others more.

2) Not to put so much stress on just doing well and therefore casting aside other things.
I know it’s so important to do well in university. It determines my pay, my job prospects etc. But, as long as I try my best, I am going to leave the rest to God. If he will that I do badly and change my career track, then so be it. it’s so hard to truly believe in that, but I have seen some improvement in my attitude towards this so I hope to continue to improve.

3) To be more dedicated
To making music ❤ To play music from my heart. To be true to myself when choosing my repertoire and to want to genuinely speak to the audience when I’m on the piano.

I read Romans 2 on New Year’s Day this year and I hope the message will be etched clearly in my head for the rest of the year. Romans 2 shall be the passage of the year.

<3, Isabel