I think I have an eating disorder

Ever since my own teacher called me fat on top of the other insults from family and friends, I never ever treated myself the same way again.

I stand at 168cm, and was about 60kg at that time when everyone called me fat. I couldn’t take it anymore so I began to eat a lot less and exercise more. I was horrible when I first started exercising, struggling to finish a mere 3km jog (well I think it was slower than a jog) in 30 minutes. I also made sure I didn’t eat rice during my meals and in no time, carbs was off my diet.

Soon enough, I lost 5kg, 3 more kg and lastly 2 more kg. That was 10kg in total. I looked like a bag of bones and had a really pale complexion last year. I was definitely underweight at 50kg for my height. I remember how i used to look at my full length mirror so many times a day last year, making sure I didn’t gain any inches at my waists and thighs. No one knew how obsessed I was with my appearance because I was all alone last year. Dinners would include small bowls of salads and I just had no more appetite to house more food.

Then in January, I decided to exercise. I have gained 2-3kg since then and have been feeling really down of late. in my new house, I have just been gorging myself with carbohydrates and I can feel those fats encroaching around my thighs, arms and belly. I am so tired of going on. I am always so jealous of those skinny girls who can eat all they one and never grow fat.

My friends and even my SO doesn’t take me seriously. I think i have a disorder (this is after thinking through for months, not that I like to label myself as having one) but no one is taking me seriously! I think i need help. I can’t be so preoccupied with my appearance 😦 and I don’t know how to help myself.

I hate it when people call me fat. I still can’t accept my appearance now. I hate it.

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