I think I have an eating disorder

Ever since my own teacher called me fat on top of the other insults from family and friends, I never ever treated myself the same way again.

I stand at 168cm, and was about 60kg at that time when everyone called me fat. I couldn’t take it anymore so I began to eat a lot less and exercise more. I was horrible when I first started exercising, struggling to finish a mere 3km jog (well I think it was slower than a jog) in 30 minutes. I also made sure I didn’t eat rice during my meals and in no time, carbs was off my diet.

Soon enough, I lost 5kg, 3 more kg and lastly 2 more kg. That was 10kg in total. I looked like a bag of bones and had a really pale complexion last year. I was definitely underweight at 50kg for my height. I remember how i used to look at my full length mirror so many times a day last year, making sure I didn’t gain any inches at my waists and thighs. No one knew how obsessed I was with my appearance because I was all alone last year. Dinners would include small bowls of salads and I just had no more appetite to house more food.

Then in January, I decided to exercise. I have gained 2-3kg since then and have been feeling really down of late. in my new house, I have just been gorging myself with carbohydrates and I can feel those fats encroaching around my thighs, arms and belly. I am so tired of going on. I am always so jealous of those skinny girls who can eat all they one and never grow fat.

My friends and even my SO doesn’t take me seriously. I think i have a disorder (this is after thinking through for months, not that I like to label myself as having one) but no one is taking me seriously! I think i need help. I can’t be so preoccupied with my appearance 😦 and I don’t know how to help myself.

I hate it when people call me fat. I still can’t accept my appearance now. I hate it.

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Rejection

Oh how my heart it cannot cry

When I asked God today

To fill me to love others

And walk down heaven’s way

He broke my heart and let me see

The loved ones that don’t know

All of this common grace

We would still reap what we sow

So tears I cried on a Monday morn

Remembering the torment of hell

Displayed for all the world to see

The day our saviour fell

That darkness, loneliness it makes me cry

For fear they won’t be saved

This much I want for them

To leave the hell-bound grave

I cannot bear to see them cry

And one day walk that way

Knowing that I had the chance

To change that all today

It’s still in His hand and His will

Ultimately His choice

But Lord let me have this peace

And give me grace to use my voice

Billions have fallen away

Each day more to go

Break my heart ever more

To love not just to know

Ella

Pursuit

Many a time do I desire

To let it fall from my hands

Just leave whatever I pursue

Kill the sad pretense

The world is drunk on all its pleasures

My rude awakening

A half sober possibility

Its pleasures I’m still pursuing

It’ll ruin me and harden my heart

Block out all the light

I yearn for what this world can give

Please don’t let me lose this fight

What am I fighting for I ask

I want to let it go

And drop everything just to rest

Still fearing I’ll have nothing to show

This mad dance of emotions

This overwhelming burden of proof

Holding it altogether

And seeming so aloof

Don’t wait till you fall down

Don’t wait till you burn out

And broken will you be

Filled with hurt and doubt

I need to realise now

How broken I already am

To focus on what matters

Treat treasures of the world with contempt

He is no fool to lose

What he cannot keep

Just so he can gain

The status as His sheep

The fear of losing loved ones

The fear of not being good enough

The fear of no security

The fear of life being tough

Just goes to show my heart

Is still far from the treasure

That I know for a fact

Would give me the greatest pleasure

Ella

The hardships of living alone overseas

People often think that studying abroad is really prestigious and is all about the excitement, new culture, cool experiences and freedom from parents. However, that is only about 5% of what i have experienced, even though i’m into my second year of living abroad.

The remaining 95% is hardship. It’s about the cleaning, cooking, washing, studying, bills, housing, and trying to fit in.

In my first year here, I was totally taken aback when people in the country asked me “are you all right?” I was just so stunned I anxiously replied “err.. yeah?” I thought I had looked as if I was going to faint any time which was why they asked me that question. It was only until it happened every day that I realised that that greeting is the equivalent of Singapore’s “how’s life?”

I could get along well with my hall mates, in the sense that I never ever argued with them. But, I was constantly feeling hatred and resentment towards them. I really really disliked them for not being considerate at all – never ever ever ever ever washing up, always piling up dishes, pouring alcohol all over the floor (literally pouring. I doubt any human or animal drinks any form of liquid in a manner that results in the whole floor being wet), making SO MUCH NOISE FROM 7PM TO 4AM. I suffered from insomnia and depression and well I was just a very unhappy being last year. I had to sleep with ear plugs every single night and it caused my ears to hurt.

Of course, there were very nice and hospitable hall mates who I still say hi to. But that’s only… 5 out of the 22 of them?

Also, I never got the culture here – people do not say hi to you unless they are alone. I was insulted at first but now I do it back to them. Well, i’m just trying to fit in 🙂

There are definitely pros of living in this new country. Strangers somehow are very much friendlier and helpful than those back home. I like how the general public (well apparently not my hall mates) are quite considerate and environmentally friendly.

If not for certain compelling reasons, I think I would stay on to find a job here and possibly even migrate here.

Having my own house in second year makes things so much lovelier. You get to choose who you want to live with and you get so much more of your own space. I GET ICE CREAM AND MY MILK DOESN’T EVER GET STOLEN. I can do laundry whenever I want to and I can sleep in a peaceful, silent house that I had a part in designing its interior.

While there have been many other issues, I find that having a home to go to for respite is really such an important thing in my life.

These are just some of the thoughts I have been having for the past 3 weeks. I definitely miss my country but I am also embracing my new experience here.

Isabel